1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:05,000
Ten, nine, eight...

2
00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:10,200
You've been underperforming
for too long. That stops today.

3
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,960
Seven, six...

4
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,960
five...

5
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:19,800
Close down another 50 cases or else.

6
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,720
..four...

7
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,680
three... Denise, I can't...

8
00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:25,840
Tardiness will not be tolerated.

9
00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:28,600
..two... My code isn't working
so I can't open the door.

10
00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:30,560
..one. Time's up.

11
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,800
Both of you, that's a disciplinary.

12
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,960
Look, Denise, I was there
with 11 seconds to spare,

13
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,480
I don't know if you saw me.

14
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,520
But code's not working,
so could you let me off once? Nope.

15
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:44,760
Don't take it, Nit,
she won't respect you.

16
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,840
Just think of her as an
unforgiving lover.

17
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,680
God...

18
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,560
Right, I'm reviewing
everyone's caseload.

19
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,720
I need updates with a view to
closing the case on the Hortons NAI,

20
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,280
the 45-day assessment period is up.

21
00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:59,960
The Millwoods foster kid
who keyed every car in his road,

22
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,440
has he been reallocated?

23
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,000
And where is the background check
on Jerry Donagh?

24
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,560
Oh, I've done that, I've done that.

25
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:09,120
Erm, yes, he's changed his name,
but he's definitely the same

26
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:13,160
children's entertainer who called
that four-year-old a cunt.

27
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:16,720
No-one leaves before 6pm.

28
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:20,240
There will be a headcount
at the end of the day. Questions.

29
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,640
Oh, yes, erm...

30
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,800
Ingrid, welcome back.
I trust you've made a full recovery.

31
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,840
Well, yes, but I think I may have
just ruptured my stitches, so...

32
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,480
I'm, um... Natalie, make Ingrid
a cup of tea, would you, please?

33
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:35,240
No, I should just get straight
to HR. I think it's...

34
00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:39,280
It's, erm, it's not good.

35
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:44,000
Everyone else, work.

36
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,280
You've got until six o'clock.

37
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:49,880
Oh, shit. Why is she bringing
the hammer down today?

38
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:51,680
I was planning to get away
at lunchtime

39
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,120
and get the Eurostar with Caitlin.

40
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,760
Look, we'll have to revert to those
sort of primary school tactics,

41
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,960
you know, where you splash your
forehead with hot water

42
00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,880
and then you've got a temperature.

43
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,760
Still, I bet she's got
a thermometer.

44
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:05,680
Yeah, an anal one, like some sort of
medieval torture spike.

45
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,840
Hey, speaking of medieval,
how's Lee?

46
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:09,080
Well, rather unexpectedly,

47
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,800
he's agreed to take my mum
to the GP today.

48
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,040
She's a bit out of control at home
and I can't really cope.

49
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,800
Oh, I think that's very nice of him.
It's not like Audrey's HIS mum.

50
00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:21,840
Don't say positive things about him,
I forbid it.

51
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,320
So, Denise wants to see us all
at the end of the day.

52
00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:25,680
I just hope I haven't screwed it up

53
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,640
because I really smelt
a promotion there.

54
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,040
Al... And I can smell your
aftershave. Jesus, what is it?

55
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:31,120
Fly spray?

56
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:34,320
Answer your bloody phone, Al!
It's not bloody ringing, Nat.

57
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,600
Oh, shit, sorry.
PHONE RINGS

58
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:37,960
Hello? Al Kavanagh speaking.

59
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,400
'This is about a baby in
Superbrands.' Oh, right.

60
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,080
Is it the same baby that was on top
of a bus shelter last September?

61
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:44,120
'Yeah, that's right.'

62
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:47,320
Now it's in the crisp section
of Superbrands.

63
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:51,160
I've got an actual job to do,
please don't waste my time. Cheerio.

64
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,920
There's been a baby left in
a supermarket,

65
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,800
are you seriously not going
to do anything?

66
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:57,320
Nat, it's so obviously a prank call.

67
00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,520
You just get a feel for which
ones are genuine.

68
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,520
We get loads of calls
about that baby.

69
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,160
It's been so many places -
it's been in the floral display

70
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,480
at the roundabout,
up a tree in the park,

71
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,040
and it was in the changing rooms
at the swimming pool.

72
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,680
Maybe that's where we could house
some of my Syrian family.

73
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,600
Those poor Ghorani kids,
haven't you got them anywhere yet?

74
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:17,640
Al, on that note,
the one that says he's 12,

75
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,000
he's actually 5'10"
with a moustache.

76
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,440
As he's an orphaned refugee, Nitin,
he doesn't have any paperwork,

77
00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:25,680
so we kind of have to take
his word for it.

78
00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:28,840
Anyway, it's bum fluff. Well, as
long as you're sure about the baby.

79
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,080
It sounded real to me.
What sounded real?

80
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,880
The call about
the abandoned baby in Superbrands.

81
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:37,120
Denise, it's so obviously a prank.
Just get down there.

82
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,600
Why don't I ring first?

83
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,240
Cos Al's quite poorly, actually,

84
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,480
and if he gets iller I can
cover for him.

85
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:44,880
No, Al looks perfectly all right.

86
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,320
I can't risk you being stuck in
a queue for half an hour

87
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,040
while someone steals an infant.

88
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:52,920
Take Nitin with you, and if there is
a baby, I'll alert the police.

89
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:56,960
Get your coat, Nitin, we're going
baby hunting in Superbrands.

90
00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,600
'Mate, I was expecting
that safe-dialling report

91
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,400
'five weeks ago.'

92
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,040
Thanks for trying to get my back.
Want some coffee? No, ta.

93
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,360
Despite the fact I've got 29 more
important things to do,

94
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,120
I've got to go baby hunting
with Nitin,

95
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:12,800
so I thought I'd take
a packed lunch.

96
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:15,480
Although, to be perfectly honest,
there's nothing in here that

97
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,440
would encourage someone that didn't
want to get salmonella.

98
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,680
Lunch? It's quarter past nine.

99
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:23,880
Elevenses, then.
Got to keep my strength up.

100
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,960
How are you feeling? Hmm?
How are you feeling?

101
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:30,840
LOUDLY: Oh, erm, I'm a bit ill and
I've got a terrible headache.

102
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,600
Oh, dear, sounds like
someone's suffering.

103
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,760
LOUDER: Poor you, Al.

104
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,480
(Wanting to get away
for the weekend, are you?)

105
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:41,280
Well, the walls have got very big
ears, you know. Yeah.

106
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,880
Bit like me, Al.

107
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,160
Poor old Martin.
You know, I can't stand it

108
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,440
that Denise has let that thing
go on so long.

109
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:52,800
I can't stand Denise. Anyway,
where are you taking Caitlin?

110
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,160
Paris. Oh!

111
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,600
Lee and I went to Lille because it
was nearer and it was cheaper.

112
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:02,080
Actually, fuck all that.
Got pissed, had a row, came home.

113
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,360
Look, why can't you just ask Denise
as a favour

114
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:05,800
to let you off a bit early?

115
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,760
Because you have to be seeing
the white light at the tunnel's end

116
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,200
before she'll even consider it.

117
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:13,920
Do you know, recently she's gone
from benevolent dictator

118
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,120
to Kim Jong-un.

119
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,560
Which one's that?
Looks like Michael McIntyre.

120
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:19,320
Oh.

121
00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,920
What if Denise says no? I've got
nowhere to go, then, have I?

122
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,160
I can't say,
"Oh, it seems your refusal

123
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:28,200
"has brought on a vicious migraine."
PHONE BLEEPS

124
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,520
Shit, it's the crisis centre.

125
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,920
God, if I don't sort out something
with those Syrian kids

126
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,720
I'm going nowhere.

127
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,480
Wonder if Denise has got
a spare room.

128
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,840
No, I think that's been turned
into an SandM dungeon

129
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,360
for the local councillors.

130
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,000
Rose! What?

131
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,360
You told me to put my coat on
20 minutes ago.

132
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,320
That's because I like to see a man
shin-deep in nylon.

133
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:51,560
All right, listen, I'm coming
baby hunting, OK? Hang on.

134
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,200
DOOR BLEEPS

135
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:57,240
Come on, then, let's go.

136
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,120
What's the code? I'll do it.

137
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,960
DOOR BLEEPS
That was the same as before

138
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,960
so what's happened...?
Come on, come on!

139
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:10,000
HE MUTTERS

140
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:16,240
Hello, can I help? Yeah,
just here to see Denise Donnelly.

141
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,280
Your name, please.
It's Daisy Ronson.

142
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,720
Take a seat, I'll check she's free.

143
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,000
Look, I've got to get a few
bits and pieces.

144
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,480
Don't grass me up to Denise.
It's very inappropriate, Rose.

145
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:29,080
You shouldn't be wandering off
to other areas of the supermarket,

146
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,440
we've got to stick to the aisle
where the abandoned baby is.

147
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,720
The imaginary abandoned baby,
you mean.

148
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,840
If I go to that aisle,
all I can get is

149
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,320
a bumper variety pack of Walkers
crisps for the kids' tea.

150
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,040
No change there, then.

151
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:42,400
Was that a joke, Nitin?

152
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:44,120
I prefer to think of it as bants.

153
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,360
Take it easy, you don't want
to shoot your load

154
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:50,400
too early on in the day.

155
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,800
So, how would you feel about being
on the sex offenders' register?

156
00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:56,400
Please, no!

157
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,800
You, a professional employed in good
faith by the local authority,

158
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:02,960
appear to be in some sort of
relationship with a pupil - my son.

159
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,320
I mean, if this is true,

160
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:08,120
it's a gross dereliction of your
duty and an indictable offence.

161
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,480
But in fairness to you,

162
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,160
I'm giving you the opportunity to
explain yourself before I put

163
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,920
in motion a series of events which
will most certainly ruin

164
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,280
your career,
quite possibly your life.

165
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,080
So the floor is yours.

166
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,600
We exchanged some text messages
and met once outside school.

167
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,960
I swear to you I didn't
sleep with him.

168
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,640
Please, you've got to believe me!

169
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,920
I've been in social work for
30 years, I don't believe anyone.

170
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,040
I'm telling the truth!

171
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:34,880
I know I've been monumentally
stupid, but please,

172
00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,840
please give me a chance.

173
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,160
Consider yourself lucky,
Miss Ronson.

174
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,840
On this occasion,
I will not inform the police.

175
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:46,040
But if you ever go near
my son again,

176
00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,120
I will see you in prison.

177
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:49,480
Get out.

178
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,520
Wait! Give me your phone.

179
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,520
"Dear Daniel,

180
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:02,560
"I have been diagnosed with
genital herpes. Daisy."

181
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,120
Send.

182
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,440
That is an abuse of trust and power.

183
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,400
Well, that makes two of us, then.

184
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,160
You know what?

185
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:16,200
I think he just needed an adult in
his life who would listen to him.

186
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,280
Rose, I just wanted to say that if
I do get a promotion,

187
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,920
I don't want it to affect
our friendship.

188
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,880
You're not getting
a promotion and we're not friends.

189
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,920
Yes, Caitlin. A cringing,
pathetic, boot-licking toady.

190
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:32,120
That's a very accurate description
on occasion. 'Yes, it is.'

191
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:35,240
But then again, you don't have to
ask your boss's permission

192
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,720
to go on a mini-break, do you? So...

193
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:40,800
'No, it's just...' I'll be there.
'OK now.' OK?

194
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,720
PHONE BLEEPS

195
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,240
Come.

196
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,520
HE COUGHS

197
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,200
You wanted to see me.

198
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,040
Yes, Alastair.

199
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,920
I didn't want to put this into
an e-mail for various reasons...

200
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:56,120
HE SHIVERS
It's not that cold in here, is it?

201
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,160
Perhaps you should wear a vest.

202
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,000
I'm sick.

203
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:04,040
I'm ill.

204
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,920
My glands are all up.

205
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,960
I used to be St John Ambulance,
you know. Oh.

206
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,360
HE SPLUTTERS

207
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:17,360
Um, you're not hot.

208
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,920
Look, give it a couple of hours.
If you're no better...

209
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,240
I'll shoot off home to bed.

210
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,080
..take an aspirin.

211
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:26,040
The reason I called you in was to
mention the incident

212
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:30,080
at Glenway School.
The suspected child abuse.

213
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:34,160
Well, yeah, I wouldn't go that far,
but anyway, it's dealt with.

214
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,280
But what exactly...?

215
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:39,080
I'm not opening it
to the floor for questions, OK?

216
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,960
Do I make myself clear?

217
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,760
Right, well,
while we're sharing confidences,

218
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:47,800
perhaps I should make MYSELF clear
and tell you that most of us

219
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:51,920
are aware of the GP letter about
a certain colleague that

220
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:57,200
you mislaid and we are hoping that
you will act on its contents.

221
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,120
Cheerio.

222
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:03,160
HE COUGHS

223
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:09,080
Cornflour, cornflour.
That's where I'm pointing.

224
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:13,800
Look, hey, Lee, hang on, you're
breaking up, you're breaking up.

225
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,200
Rose, do you think maybe you're
forgetting something?

226
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,520
I don't know, like what?
Chocolate, Nobby's Nuts?

227
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:21,120
No, it's one word,
it's very important.

228
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,440
Piss off. That's two.
I'll go find the baby.

229
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,400
'..E-mail, my phone...'

230
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:30,160
Lee, I don't really want to hear
this at the moment. I'm busy, OK?

231
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,800
'Rose, what are you wearing?'
What am I wearing?

232
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,440
We were together for 17 years
and you choose this moment

233
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,000
to try phone sex?

234
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,760
It's all right,
I know what you're wearing -

235
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,800
that scarf that makes you
look like Axl Rose.

236
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,800
What the fuck are you doing here?

237
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,560
Where's Mum? Right, I don't want you
to get angry, all right?

238
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:50,320
I took Audrey to the GP but I forgot
the list of questions you

239
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,760
wanted me to ask, so when I got in
there I didn't know what to say.

240
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:56,240
She's the one that's meant to have
Alzheimer's, you dozy twat.

241
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,400
What's the fucking point of you?
I'm doing the family shop!

242
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:02,640
Just go back to the GP and wait
there till you're seen.

243
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:06,640
More fun living in that
caravan park.

244
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:10,600
Missed!

245
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,000
Baby's not by the crisps.

246
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,480
Well, you could have got me
some prawn cocktail.

247
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:18,520
And it's a prank baby.

248
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,480
There's the prank baby.

249
00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,500
Oh, shit.

250
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,960
Hey. It wasn't a prank!

251
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,600
Well done, Nat, you're an
instinctive social worker.

252
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,960
Really? No.

253
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,880
Right, where's the boss lady?

254
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,480
I'm calling an emergency
strat meeting.

255
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,840
Nitin, get the paperwork going.
Court order.

256
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:50,720
No, you do it, cos I've got
the baby. Let Nat have the baby.

257
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,200
No, cos he likes me.

258
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,240
Actually, yeah, you're all right.

259
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:58,280
I think he needs a nappy change.

260
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:02,440
NOSE-BLOWING

261
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,480
Please, Alastair,
I can't hear myself think.

262
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:13,800
Lemony beverage, Al? Oh, thanks.
You're a life-saver, Martin.

263
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,360
Could I have a quadruple shot latte,
please?

264
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,960
Actually, erm, Natalie,
you can sort the coffees for today,

265
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,480
can't you, dear? You sit down.

266
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,280
Erm, OK. What about my minutes?

267
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,440
Some might say that no minutes are
better than your minutes, Nat.

268
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:26,480
Oh, thanks, Al.

269
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,280
I'm happy to take the minutes.

270
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:29,920
Right, emergency measures -

271
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:33,120
we have an abandoned baby
on the premises.

272
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,920
SHE WHIMPERS
Fine.

273
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,600
It's probably
a young mum who can't cope

274
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,960
and has decided to leave it here
to be cared for.

275
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,280
It could just be a mum's
what they call nappy brain

276
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,200
who's forgotten she's got a baby.

277
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,840
It's quite common, I think,
because of sleep deprivation.

278
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,720
Well, I don't subscribe to
that theory. I managed.

279
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:49,840
Well, I didn't.

280
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:53,360
I drove once with the baby in
the car seat on the roof of the car.

281
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,480
Was it OK? No, it fell off into
the path of a school bus.

282
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,200
Oh, God, how awful! Sorry, Rose.

283
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:00,880
Nat, it's a joke.

284
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,800
Did you honestly think I'd still be
a social worker if I'd done that?

285
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:04,880
ALL: Yes.

286
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,720
Can we please get back to
dealing with the baby issue?

287
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:09,560
Paediatrician's report?

288
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,400
INGRID WHIMPERS
Ingrid, you all right?

289
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:16,440
Well, it's just that the constant
mention of babies and children is...

290
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,440
I'm finding a bit challenging.
You picked the wrong job, love.

291
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,880
Bit insensitive. She's just had
all her gear whipped out.

292
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,520
Nat!

293
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,080
I'm fine.

294
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,880
Ingrid, you're clearly not fine.
What did HR say?

295
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,320
Well, no, they did recommend that
I take further time off,

296
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,520
but I was absolutely adamant
because you need me here,

297
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:38,040
so if I could just get a couple
of physical needs met,

298
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,760
then I will be fine.

299
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,040
Such as?
AL: Here we go.

300
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,120
A robotic back support and, erm,

301
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,480
if I could have nobody
working to my left

302
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,520
because that's not good, so...

303
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:53,480
Why don't you just go home
and I will talk to HR?

304
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:56,480
Alastair, you'll have to stay late
to wrap up her caseload.

305
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:57,640
What?!

306
00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:01,680
Al, let me know if I can be of
any assistance.

307
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:05,480
She's already got a memory foam
cushion, a green screen,

308
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,360
a special bit of floor,
she won't go on a client visit

309
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,000
that's more than 20 minutes
from a lavatorial facility...

310
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,000
Well, none of that is her fault,
Alastair.

311
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,000
However, I am going to extend her
sick leave because

312
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,520
I literally cannot cope
with her face.

313
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:21,160
Could I be excused too?
No, Alastair, sit down.

314
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,200
I've got some aspirin in my bag.

315
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,640
Bloody bag of broken dreams.

316
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:28,520
Yeah, she is, isn't she?

317
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:30,760
So, how are you actually
following up?

318
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,760
We're checking with the hospitals
to see if they can help,

319
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,880
any young mothers acting
weird and mental.

320
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,120
Well, that'd be most young mothers,
then.

321
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,680
Well, let's keep on it and,
Alastair, while you're here,

322
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:44,720
take us through where you are on
housing those children from Syria.

323
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:48,160
No-one's contacted us yet.

324
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,400
It's like this baby landed
from another planet.

325
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:53,640
Like an alien.
Or like baby Jesus!

326
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,560
Or like neither! So, let's just...

327
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,080
Baby's got to sleep.

328
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:02,120
One message from Caitlin asking me
to bring fleeces and sun cream

329
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,440
because the weather is changeable,
and a further nine messages

330
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:08,360
saying she will chuck me
if I'm not at the station.

331
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:12,400
Al, come with me. Come on.

332
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,920


333
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:27,800
Cos he wants to get of workee!

334
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:28,960
Oh, my God!

335
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:33,000
So, Martin, I've been drowning in
a sea of financial constraints

336
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:37,080
and administrative sewage,
so I've been less than efficient

337
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,240
in scrutinising the updates
from your GP.

338
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,360
Well, I was wondering why things
weren't moving along

339
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:48,400
as quickly as I thought they would
with my return to work.

340
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:53,280
But it has to be said that
the interim period of popping in

341
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:58,840
and just observing and being there
for everyone has been very helpful.

342
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:04,200
In fact, I could say it's
made me well again.

343
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:08,360
All this time,
it's been staring me in the face.

344
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,080
URGENT KNOCKING

345
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:14,080
Hello. Someone quick.
One second. Hello!

346
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,880
Oi, you! Please!

347
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,160
Please!

348
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:21,200
This is more urgent. OK, OK.
It's important. OK.

349
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,800
We need urgent help, please, my wife
left her baby somewhere. Our baby.

350
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,160
That's what I said.
No, you just said it was my baby.

351
00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,720
You're the one who left the child
and you want to argue about

352
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,120
who's more observant?
I know, it's fucking awful, OK?

353
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:35,320
Shh, all right! It's dreadful, Zak!
What if we never get him back?

354
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,040
What if something's happened to him?

355
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,400
You know, I literally do not
have time for this.

356
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:42,080
Please, the supermarket
told us to come here.

357
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,640
Can you just tell us if you have
any idea where our baby is?

358
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,280
Listen, pal, I'll tell you...

359
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,240
I'll explain something to
you right now, OK?

360
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:51,120
If you do not help us to find our
baby, I'm going to get on the phone

361
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:54,360
to a very important human rights
lawyer who just happens to be...

362
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,840
Don't, for fuck's sake!
..a close personal...

363
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,680
Zak, just stop...
Well, how are you helping? ..stupid!

364
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,640
Right, I'm calling.
He's ignored me, that's it.

365
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,520
No! That's it. Look, the most
important thing is our fucking baby.

366
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:07,320
And this will get him back.
I just have to be positive.

367
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,640
I can't deal with this. Oh, my God!

368
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:13,680
HE GROANS

369
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,760
Oh, now, that really is very good.

370
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,280
Yes, even I would believe
you're genuinely ill.

371
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:21,960
I'm bloody ill.

372
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,480
It's the memory of last night's
sushi combined with

373
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:25,800
the toxic fridge box.

374
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,720
Perhaps it's a judgment on you
for trying to bunk off early.

375
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,720
Could you...

376
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,520
call Caitlin for me?

377
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:35,920
Ask her to come and collect me,
please.

378
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,520
'Hello, this is Caitlin.'

379
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,440
It's gone to message.
'Leave a message and speak clearly.'

380
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,080
Oh, dear.
Caitlin sounds a bit stern.

381
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:47,080
The way she said "speak clearly"
is enough to make you stammer.

382
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,960
Sophie is exhausted but the Mumsnet
community pressured her into

383
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,880
breast-feeding,
which I didn't think was...

384
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:54,040
Are you going to take our baby
away from us or not?

385
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:55,480
They can't do that. No, I'm not.

386
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,920
But please do try to be a little bit
more vigilant in the future.

387
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,680
Yes, I will, I will. Yeah.

388
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:02,960
And, Sophie, get some sleep.

389
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,000
Thank you.

390
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,840
Is that it?
We're just going to let them go?

391
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,840
That man isn't fit to be a parent.

392
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,040
I should have initiated Section 47.

393
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,560
MCWD. What?

394
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,240
Middle class, well dressed.

395
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,840
Generally considered to be
less of a risk.

396
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,240
We tend to let them go with
a mild ticking off.

397
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:28,920
Is that a policy?

398
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,160
More of an unspoken ethic.
You'll learn.

399
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,080
Although, fuck me,
I'd rather bring kids up with Lee

400
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:38,120
than that fuck-stick.

401
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:41,240
Right, everyone, stop working.

402
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,760
Quiet, please. Quiet, please!

403
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,920
Yes, all right,
Nitin, I don't need your help.

404
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,920
OK, in view of my recent
observations,

405
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,240
I am going to make some
departmental changes.

406
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,280
This is it, people, it's judgment day.
GROANS AND MURMURS

407
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,400
For heaven's sake, it's like being
a teacher again!

408
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:58,920
Shh! Quiet!

409
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,480
SILENCE

410
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,920
This department is a mess.

411
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,160
People are slap dash,
reports sloppy,

412
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:09,200
communications unclear, you're late,
generally underperforming.

413
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,800
So, in light of Ingrid's recent
departure, I have decided to

414
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:17,440
have a reshuffle and put someone
permanently in charge.

415
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,840
KNOCKING

416
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,440
Who's that?

417
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,640
Oh, dear, I think that's Caitlin.

418
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,640
This is exactly the lack of
professionalism I'm talking about.

419
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,840
Where's Al?
ALL: Through there.

420
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,600
Are you taking the piss?
ALL: No.

421
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,360
So, in the past three months,
we have had Rose,

422
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,440
who right under my nose has been
trying to look after

423
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,840
her poor mother in work time.

424
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,520
Don't think I haven't noticed, Rose.

425
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:45,800
Well, in my defence,

426
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,960
I was just trying to do a good thing
for someone that I love.

427
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,680
Aren't we supposed to be
looking after people?

428
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,800
It's not like I was skiving off
to the bookie's.

429
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,760
You don't think I realise we're here
to look after people?

430
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,400
You think I'm standing here bleating
about standards and outcomes

431
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,160
because I'm Alan Sugar with tits?

432
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,840
You're in the front line,
I get that,

433
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:04,840
and what you're dealing with
is horrendous.

434
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:08,880
But I have to deal with 1,000
George Osborne clones who seem

435
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,720
to get a sexual kick out of
telling me that there's no money,

436
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,440
just an extra helping of tough shit,

437
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,200
and all the logistics
and admin makes me

438
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,560
forget about all the families out
there who we're supposed

439
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,480
to be helping but in fact we're
failing day in, day out

440
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,960
because the people above me
have all the conscience

441
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,720
of Hitler's lost bollock!

442
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,760
DOOR SLAMS

443
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:34,800
ALL: Bye! Piss off!

444
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,400
In terms of promotion,

445
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,680
I have decided

446
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,760
to pass over Nitin,

447
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:45,320
and you, Rose, and Alastair,

448
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:48,880
and I am going to promote Martin.

449
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,680
Who better than someone who
has really got to know

450
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,240
the foibles of the workforce over
the last few months?

451
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:58,280
Who has a font of goodness
and optimism,

452
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,520
which I pray will protect you

453
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,280
and buffer you from
the stresses of the job,

454
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,920
at least for the first six weeks.

455
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,800
So...

456
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,920
Congratulations, Martin!

457
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:16,960
Everyone, have a good weekend.
I'm off to get drunk.

458
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,280
CHEERING

459
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:25,920
PHONE RINGS

460
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,520
Lee?

461
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:32,520
Mum's been admitted to hospital -
she's got a urinary tract infection.

462
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,000
Yes! Right.

463
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:36,200
Well, I know it's not
life-threatening,

464
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:37,440
but why so pleased?

465
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:41,480
Weekend off, Lee's having the kids,
I can have a lie-down. Result.

466
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,280
Oh, sorry, how are you? Shit.

467
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,200
Caitlin's gone to France without me.

468
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,240
And Denise has promoted Martin.
Yeah, could have been worse.

469
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,240
Could have been Nitin.

470
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,240
Ah, come on, Al, tidy your desk,
will you? Then you can go home.

471
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,880
And, Rose, I will see you 9am sharp
on Monday morning

472
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,200
and I will not look kindly
on latecomers.

473
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:02,880
Ha-ha-ha!

474
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:06,120
Actually, I mean that. Oh.

475
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:09,360
Ooh...

476
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:13,400
That's better.

477
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:17,720
I'm not tidying my desk.

478
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:26,520
SHE KNOCKS

479
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:30,520
Oh, hello.

480
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,360
Al...

481
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,760
Oh. Rose?

482
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:38,600
Meet Amira, Ayana, Reema and Fareed.
Welcome.

483
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,480
It's only for a few days -
I could do with the company.

484
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:45,520
Oh, poor old you.
Anyway, I'm the bearer of good news.

485
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:47,680
Denise has had a stroke.

486
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:50,040
Martin is marrying Ingrid.

487
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:51,880
Lee's been castrated.

488
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,800
There's been an incident in
the Tunnel and Eurostar

489
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,280
is going to be stranded all night.

490
00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:01,320
THEY CHEER

491
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:10,000


492
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:16,400


493
00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:26,200
People just ain't no good.

494
00:23:26,250 --> 00:23:30,800
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